Control.....the real illusion
I figured it time (really, church this morning made me realize I needed to deal with my shit) to blog again. Historically, it helps me mentally, emotionally, in just about every way to put words/feelings/etc in writing, and this was fairly long overdue considering this challenging season we all find ourselves in.
In church this morning, the reference was made that freedom is often tried to be accomplished by mechanisms like pride, pleasure, wealth, cynicism, death and control, when in all actuality, salvation is the only real way to live free. I'm not sure about any of you, but I know that I'm guilty of at least one (see: way more than one) of these mechanisms to freedom. Now, freedom can come in many, many forms and it can mean lots of different things to lots of different peoples. To me, it's peace. And in terms of salvation, I mean a form of surrender. Meaning, peace, for me, is accomplished through surrender. Surrender to control, surrender to cynicism, pride, pleasure.....and the list continues. I, and really no one, can be free if they're holding onto false paths to freedom, or peace.
I, like many, many others right now have been going through a lot. Here's a little clue about medicine: it's black and then it's white. Its not often gray. Gray areas in medicine mean lots of people die, usually. Research is black and white, evidence is black and white. It isn't any shade of gray. What color are we living in constantly right now with the onset of Covid-19 in our country? 1000% every single fucking shade of gray. Not great for one who likes to control a chaotic environment with control, right? See where the problem lies?
Every single healthcare worker goes into work these days with lots of unknowns. It could be we are walking into a minefield of sick humans. We could be walking into being cross trained in other areas to help our fellow friends, it could be that we are called to do things we are not comfortable with or haven't done in a very long time. It's the nature of the beast. But it's scary as hell not knowing what you're walking into, and it is even scarier walking into something that is every shade of gray under the sun, and oh, by the way, doesn't really have a 'cure.'
Fast forward to this week/beginning of the weekend. I had a fairly ok week, but again, the stress of the days all kind of compound. It's a mental exhaustion, because you're kind of constantly on edge. It just is what it is. I had bought myself this little pair of earrings I had been eyeing for months as a 'just because present.' I was looking forward to them being there Friday night, as they said they were delivered. Except they weren't. I was crabby Friday evening because I was tired from my week, but when the post office couldn't find them Saturday morning, it was game over for me. Like 'rage clean the house and freak out on your husband' ugly. (Thank you husband for being amazing when I fail to be such). It was a shining beacon in my shitty situation. It wasn't the earrings, but what they represented that made me sad to be missing out on.
Now, you ask how it got to this point, perhaps. Me+lack of control+trying to control situations+situation where I got upset=giant blow up. Meaning, if you do not deal with your shit, it will deal with you.
Me and my fellow healthcare workers (and lots of other trades and probably all humans, to be fair) are dealing with A LOT of stress right now. It's unknown. It's gray. It's uncertain. We have a nation who are rallying behind us and praising us, but it doesn't make it any less exhausting. It helps, certainly, to keep spirits up. But the mental stress adds up (see story above). I am so thankful to those who have reached out to keep me smiling and have said kind words, sent cards to me just because I chose the profession that I did. No one got into nursing thinking that this would happen in their lifetime. If you did, you could have given the rest of us a heads up (I kid). But here we are. We are headlong into scary, crazy, gray.
To my fellow healthcare friends: keep fighting the good fight. You're doing great, you're strong and able. We will come together and we will beat this, no matter what that looks like in the end. Sometimes we have to give up what we think the end results look like and 'give it to God' so to speak. Keep trusting the process, working hard, and surrender to the freedom. Take care of you, as you're priceless. We have to take care of ourselves to take care of others.
Have a great Sunday,
Kara
In church this morning, the reference was made that freedom is often tried to be accomplished by mechanisms like pride, pleasure, wealth, cynicism, death and control, when in all actuality, salvation is the only real way to live free. I'm not sure about any of you, but I know that I'm guilty of at least one (see: way more than one) of these mechanisms to freedom. Now, freedom can come in many, many forms and it can mean lots of different things to lots of different peoples. To me, it's peace. And in terms of salvation, I mean a form of surrender. Meaning, peace, for me, is accomplished through surrender. Surrender to control, surrender to cynicism, pride, pleasure.....and the list continues. I, and really no one, can be free if they're holding onto false paths to freedom, or peace.
I, like many, many others right now have been going through a lot. Here's a little clue about medicine: it's black and then it's white. Its not often gray. Gray areas in medicine mean lots of people die, usually. Research is black and white, evidence is black and white. It isn't any shade of gray. What color are we living in constantly right now with the onset of Covid-19 in our country? 1000% every single fucking shade of gray. Not great for one who likes to control a chaotic environment with control, right? See where the problem lies?
Every single healthcare worker goes into work these days with lots of unknowns. It could be we are walking into a minefield of sick humans. We could be walking into being cross trained in other areas to help our fellow friends, it could be that we are called to do things we are not comfortable with or haven't done in a very long time. It's the nature of the beast. But it's scary as hell not knowing what you're walking into, and it is even scarier walking into something that is every shade of gray under the sun, and oh, by the way, doesn't really have a 'cure.'
Fast forward to this week/beginning of the weekend. I had a fairly ok week, but again, the stress of the days all kind of compound. It's a mental exhaustion, because you're kind of constantly on edge. It just is what it is. I had bought myself this little pair of earrings I had been eyeing for months as a 'just because present.' I was looking forward to them being there Friday night, as they said they were delivered. Except they weren't. I was crabby Friday evening because I was tired from my week, but when the post office couldn't find them Saturday morning, it was game over for me. Like 'rage clean the house and freak out on your husband' ugly. (Thank you husband for being amazing when I fail to be such). It was a shining beacon in my shitty situation. It wasn't the earrings, but what they represented that made me sad to be missing out on.
Now, you ask how it got to this point, perhaps. Me+lack of control+trying to control situations+situation where I got upset=giant blow up. Meaning, if you do not deal with your shit, it will deal with you.
Me and my fellow healthcare workers (and lots of other trades and probably all humans, to be fair) are dealing with A LOT of stress right now. It's unknown. It's gray. It's uncertain. We have a nation who are rallying behind us and praising us, but it doesn't make it any less exhausting. It helps, certainly, to keep spirits up. But the mental stress adds up (see story above). I am so thankful to those who have reached out to keep me smiling and have said kind words, sent cards to me just because I chose the profession that I did. No one got into nursing thinking that this would happen in their lifetime. If you did, you could have given the rest of us a heads up (I kid). But here we are. We are headlong into scary, crazy, gray.
To my fellow healthcare friends: keep fighting the good fight. You're doing great, you're strong and able. We will come together and we will beat this, no matter what that looks like in the end. Sometimes we have to give up what we think the end results look like and 'give it to God' so to speak. Keep trusting the process, working hard, and surrender to the freedom. Take care of you, as you're priceless. We have to take care of ourselves to take care of others.
Have a great Sunday,
Kara
Comments
Post a Comment