An Awakening

I feel I’ve made it abundantly clear in the last few days, but mountains are my ‘soul sister’ of this earth. Between mountains and oceans, I think they foster a lot of serenity, deepness in thought and genuine peace within me. It’s genuinely my time to breathe, reflect, grow. And I feel that way each and every time I am there, regardless of the occasion.  The energy of them is just so calming to me.

So this trip was no exception. I went into the trip at a kind of tough point mentally. Life starts to add up, be it both the stress of being a parent and being a spouse. And it can be a lot. I knew that I had to make a change, as I heard my child’s heart in the middle of a counseling session “I’m afraid that my mom and Eli are going to break up, because they are arguing a lot and I just don’t want to go through a divorce again.” OUCH. BIG TIME OUCH. But also awesome.  Because real is awesome.  Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, but it’s awesome. And growth comes from real and pain in this case.

So, to the reflection block it was. I had to think about WHY it is that my daughter’s life feels like it’s unstable (even though it isn’t, perception is her reality). Why am I arguing with my spouse more? The answer is my anxiety. I have anxiety about having a clean home, about being a good mom, about doing it all. And that’s on me.  Not on my spouse. Yet I’ve let that affect how I am a spouse and how I am a mom. Holy cow. Ok.  Basically, I’ve taken the things that I had learned to be without (anxiety) and allowed it to sneak back into my life and negatively affect those I care most about. UGH!

I was reading some Brene Brown on the way back, because honestly she is my favorite and her words do not ever cease to speak to me.  She stated “a little of life causes a certain level of anxiety. But above and beyond that, the anxiety is found in your expectations.” OUCH! My expectations of myself are leading to my anxiety, not the list of crap I need to accomplish. Ok.  Cool.

My family is still going to think I’m a good mom if there’s a mess on the counter. My husband will (probably, ha!) think I’m a good wife if the laundry doesn’t get all done in the course of a day. But they all will think I’m neglecting them if I allow the expectations of what ‘mom’ and ‘wife’ look like to me to affect them. Because those expecatations take me away from time with them. And time with them is something I will not ever get back. So, in this case, this is for me to fix.

We have worked out a plan to where we do certain things, on certain days. A cleaning/house work schedule of sorts. I'm excited to see how this helps! I will continue not lay my personal care aside (I do best when I'm learning and engaging the mental wellness side of myself along side the physical).

A life awakened is a crazy one, and one that when you get there you can't go back to living in the dark. I'm grateful for eye opening moments and the chance to change and start fresh.

I hope that one thing that my girls take away from me as their mom and bonus mom is that things can be tough, but absolutely worth it. And that courage to do tough things leads to pretty amazing things, be that climbing high or change in themselves.

Have a great Tuesday!

Love,

Kara

We conquered Red Rock!